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Copyright © 2002
In the fall of 1991, I started to experiment with telecommunications. I was 19 years old and was fascinated by the type of interactions I could have on an online forum. For years I had craved deep conversations about topics other than my blindness. Now I could have them!
I dove in and began talking with others on the religion forum on the online service of my choice. Before I knew it, I had a personal letter in my email box. It was from another member of the forum, Vicki. I had read Vicki's posts and had admired her wisdom and tenderness toward others. I was honored that she would write to me--and the fact that she wanted to be my friend was a bit of a surprise to my low self-esteem.
But if Vicki and I were to become friends, I knew that the right thing to do would be to tell her that I was blind. If she was like most people, she would be scared away by this, and I would have an easier time dealing with this if I hadn't spent time building an attachment to her.
I underestimated Vicki's kindness--and I underestimated God's love for me, shown in His willingness to bless me with a friendship like Vicki's. Her response to my letter informing her that I was blind was one of the kindest pieces of email I ever received. Unfortunately, I did not know how to save mail at the time, and I don't remember what she said.
Eventually, Vicki and I discussed the possibility of meeting in person. We had discovered that we lived within a half hour's drive from each other. Our first meeting changed our friendship into something complete and truly life-changing.
All of God's blessings are given for a season. Sometimes the season is long, and sometimes it is short. The season for which I was given Vicki's friendship was quite short. In fact, it turned abruptly from a beautiful fall to a cold winter in July, 1992, when Vicki died suddenly.
Grieving a sudden loss is difficult at best. In many ways I still grieve now. Finding closure after a loss like this is the most difficult thing I have ever tried to do. In order to find closure for my loss, I must face the issues which were touched by Vicki's friendship. I must face the pain of accepting Vicki's death. I must also face the pain that she was able to touch and, to some extent, to soothe. Vicki was blessed with the gift of mercy and healing, and deep wounds from my past were soothed by her words and gentle love. Those wounds had only begun to heal at the time of her deat, and they often resurface at the thought of rejection or abandonment. Somehow, I must allow God to continue to heal me even though He now uses a different instrument of healing.
Vicki's death was a turning point in my emotional and spiritual health, although it would be several years before I understood this. My self-image has always been quite fragile, and I have never been able to understand emotionally that a person can have many reactions to a single event without it compromising who she is. God began a healing work in me in 1991. That process requires me to take steps emotionally and spiritually. I became very disoriented after Vicki's death,, and I waited longer than I should have to take those steps. Yet those steps are exactly the steps which Vicki would have helped me to take.
Refusing to take those steps because of Vicki's death made Vicki into a god for me. She never would have wanted that place in my life. She was as a sister, and God was our Father and God. I am thankful that He is patient and merciful and longs for me to draw near to Him. It is with that thankfulness that I share my story of healing now.